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| Friday, 11 September 2009
5:30 a.m.
I hadn't even thought about the significance of the date yet. My alarm had just gone off, and my brain was barely functioning yet. I had only one thing on my mind as I stumbled out of bed.
"I have a very important test to take."
Not a pass/fail type of test, either. No studying for this one.
The week my period was due had come and gone without a sign of it making an appearance. Scott and I had been trying to get pregnant since May, and there was a stubborn little glimmer of hope in the back of my mind as I fought with the plastic wrapping that was keeping me from taking my test. But I had already been late once before, a couple months ago, and nothing. I had been so sure that time. I could have sworn I had symptoms. But I felt none of those this time around. It couldn't have been more different from the last time I thought I was pregnant; I was almost completely convinced that I wasn't. Maybe it was just a defense mechanism against the disappointment from the last time; I was already telling myself that we'd just wait another month and try again. The test was just a precaution.
Can I say I was surprised that I turned out to be wrong? It's hard to say. I don't know what I was feeling. I just kept staring at that significant blue line while Scott was smothering me; I couldn't tear my eyes away. I had been so convinced...I had my guard up so resolutely that I guess I was having a hard time letting it down. Then again, it was just so freaking early in the morning...oh crap! I still have to get ready for work!
I processed through my emotions while I took my shower, starting to let the joy and excitement take hold, and making a mental checklist of the first things we'd have to do: make an appointment, tell our families, finally start cleaning out the "junk room" upstairs so we could get started on a nursery...
After Scott and I were ready for the crazy day ahead, and we were finally able to tear ourselves away from each other after lots of hugs and kisses, I climbed into my car to head into work. The radio was already on, the announcer giving the day's traffic report. They were giving the heads-up about a local man standing on an overpass waving an American flag for the commuters on the interstate below, something he had done on this date every year since the first anniversary in 2002...
And it hit me. Today had already been such a significant day, and the sun hadn't even come up yet. But I had completely forgotten in the moment how significant it had been 8 years ago, in a totally different way.
Like most people, I can remember very clearly where I was when I first heard the news, and how the events of the day had played out. i remember it was a Tuesday - the day our homeschool co-op met. We were in the car with the radio on when CNN Radio broke in with the news of the first plane hitting the tower - how I had thought it must have been a freak accident, but Mom was already convinced it was done on purpose. I remember how hard it was to get through our classes, and how the moms had gotten a TV set up in our common room to keep tabs on the reports as they came in, watching the footage be replayed again and again. I remember having to go into work at the video store that afternoon, my boss watching the news instead of the usual latest release; and how two young teenage girls from Mt. Vernon had come in, talking about how they started laughing when they first heard, and how incredibly angry I was that they could find something this tragic remotely funny, and how grateful I was in that moment that I didn't go to school with them.
My emotions about everything that has happened in the wake of that day are mixed; but like many, the tragedy has never escaped me. Even though it didn't effect me directly, the loss of life hurts. Reminders of the day put me into a somber mood.
As I listened to the dj and traffic announcer finish up their round of trading memories about the day, my tears started to well. I cried a little for the people who still ached for the family members they had lost. I cried a little that the thought of living at peace seemed like such a distant memory. And I cried for joy, because today I learned that I had embarked on the journey of motherhood, and life was never going to be the same. Grief and gratitude stood hand-in-hand in my mind's eye for a moment, and it brought me hope that wounds can be healed. Life continues in spite of death.
I pray that my little one learns the same, in as gently a way as possible. | | |
| Scott and I haven't really been known to make a big deal out of Valentine's Day. Yes, we'll usually do a date or something, but we don't really make a bigger deal out of it than we would any other date. This year seems to be keeping with that theme - low key - but so far, today's been pretty good. I had planned to try to make him breakfast in bed this morning. However, we're both working on getting back into shape (I've lost close to 15 pounds since November!), so we both got up to work out before breakfast. Breakfast then turned into brunch. It was great, though, to sit down and eat a nice homemade meal together. Breakfast, if we have it at all, is usually eaten separately. Lunch and dinner, if we have it together, is usually eaten in front of the tv. This morning's brunch was surprisingly romantic.  After cleaning up a little, Scott hooked up my early birthday present - a Nintendo Wii! We stuck with a couple tennis matches. Later, I look forward to playing some Dance Dance Revolution.  Later tonight, we'll meet up with our friends Danny and Niccole to have dinner and watch our friend Natalee's dance performance. Like I said, it's pretty low key, but my heart is full. It's amazing to me that I just keep falling in love with him.
As a sort of postscript, I figured out how to change my username on Xanga. Turns out I either need a ridiculous number of Xanga "credits," or to pay about $10 to have it changed. What?! | | |
| I've been thinking a lot lately about how we project our identity to other people. Specifically, I've been thinking about how we do this in a technological era with screen names and e-mail addresses. I have come to realize that mine are behind the times. It's funny how much one can change in a few years. I didn't have AIM or any other form of messenger until my freshman year of college. I adopted the screen name of "madamquizmaster," because, at the time, I was still slightly obsessed with Bible quizzing. I started using that as my new e-mail address and abandoned my old high school e-mail of sharkypup@juno.com, which was born of a continued fondness for my childhood Pound Puppy named Sharky Pup. I started the xanga midway through my junior year of college and several months into my relationship with Scott (hence "TheFutureMrsRussell"). Now, I'm pretty sure this is my last year being involved with Bible quizzing, sad though it may be. But the plan for this time next year is that I will be very pregnant; and making a solo drive early on a Saturday morning out to whichever church that's usually a good hour or more away from where I live and trying to officiate 5 rounds of quizzing while being kicked from the inside sounds less than appealing. And, of course, once the baby arrives, my time will be devoted to our little one. So no more quiz mastering for me. And, for the more obvious one, I'm already Mrs. Russell. My poor xanga name has been outdated for a good two and a half years. Sadly, I've been unable to figure out how to change the name without having to start a completely new blog. I like the thought of having all of my posts together; it just seems easier. But my dilema is this: should I go through the hassle of changing e-mail addresses and sign-in names, what new identity would I choose to project myself to the on-line world? I take names very seriously, and prefer to have at least a semi-serious meaning and a touch of originality. I've been racking my brain trying to come up with passions or interests to identify myself by, but can't seem to come up with anything that doesn't sound stale, silly, or boring. Most of the easier choices from high school or college seem to be only a part of my past anymore - i.e. Bible quizzing, volleyball, theater. Even the future things I might like to consider - motherhood and business owner - seem a little futher out of reach than I could rightfully claim now. My current life consists of work, marriage, and my faith. Not that I consider marriage and faith mundane - far from it! Maybe I just don't have the creative ability, but I haven't found a way to translate those parts of my life into a name that will speak to my individuality and that will be unmistakenly...me. Am I overthinking this? Any suggestions? | | |
| This vacation has been just what I needed! I've been so happy with everything we've done. - Thursday - enjoyed the scenic drive from Louisville, KY, and spent the evening being amused by the eccentric personality of downtown Asheville, NC.
- Friday - toured the amazing Biltmore estate. More than half the time, I felt just as much like I was in a medieval European castle (with electricity) than in a turn-of-the-twentieth century country estate for an incredibly rich family. The gardens and winery were also excellent.
- Saturday - drove to Cherokee and visited the museum of Cherokee history, as well as the Ocanaluftee Indian village. Got inspired to see what I can learn of my ancestor, Andrew Jackson Miller, when I get home. They had some books in the gift shop of rolls they took of the east and west tribes, mostly from during or after the removal. Found an Andrew J. Miller of the east tribe who was on the reservation, but not sure if it would be the same one.
- Today - The plan is to hike a portion of the Appalachian Trail.
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| The summer of my 13th year, I took a trip with my Girl Scout troop down to Georgia. On our way, we spent a couple days in Cherokee, North Carolina. The place was beautiful, nestled in the Smokies, and we were surrounded by the history of the Cherokee people. A people to which (I've been told) I can claim a small relation. Ever since, I've always wanted to get back.
Finally, today, I made it. Well, not to Cherokee. Scott and I are staying in Asheville until Monday. But Cherokee is not far. And we're still surrounded by forested mountains. And I LOOOOOOVE it! If any place outside the Midwest could be home...
Tomorrow, we tour the Biltmore Estate. I've seen a couple pictures so far, and the place looks gorgeous. Our pastor and his wife also highly recommended it. After that, it's nothing but spontaneous exploring and relaxation. Part of me hopes I can make it back to Cherokee.
I am thoroughly looking forward to it all. | | |
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